Enough!

Tuesday evening:

Don't read this post. Really. It is going to be dumb, full of self-wallowing, and slightly depressing.

OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY.

I'm so ready to move on and be done with all of this and be over everything. Ok God, did You hear me?! "I'M READY TO MOVE ON."

................. oh that's not how it works?

I'm so tired of this. It is like a ridiculous cycle that is sucking me down and I can't seem to pull myself up and out. I'm ready to be happy again and done will the wallowing and move on. So if I'M ready, why isn't it working that way? I'm serious I'm the only one that is responsible for my feelings so why cannot I absolutely not push past all of this? It is really confusing. I'm confusing. LIFE is confusing. I cannot understand or validate how sad I am. I have tried and tried. I am happy and just doing okay and then we talked. Of course it wasn't about anything spectacular; it was about meeting up to "shit swap," as it was said by him. Okay fine, we'll meet up make it quick and get it out of them way. We have it all planned out; I'm going to go straight from work. It's going to be hard and I have been thinking about it all day but I'm going to do it and it will be fine. Then he drops the "we."

"We will be there at two."

We? AHEM? WE?! Okay. Calm down. Who is we? But I know. He intends to bring his girlfriend.

This made me VERY upset. Upset to the point that I called him and made a semi-big deal [bigger than I should have, ok] about it. But I can't be the only one that sees the problem with this. Is it not completely disrespectful to me? It is. It would be uncomfortable and irritating and sad and I want him to come alone just like me.***

Enough about that though, it's just getting me upset.

Really, I have decided that I am just going to write whatever comes out in this post. That is why I put the disclaimer at the beginning--its going to most likely be a really lame blog. Sorry.

If you do read this, you are going to realize just how pathetic I am right now. But I figure, very few people will read this. I will be writing honestly and I will feel like I just got a lot out, but hardly anyone will have actually read it. This will be so much easier than ACTUALLY talking to real people about it. So here it goes:

Today I cried a lot on the phone. It was embarrassing, really. But I can never just cry hard alone. I though that maybe if I just let myself cry like a little baby that it would all get out at once and I would feel better. So I took a shower. I turned the water all the way up so it would hurt a little [and perhaps promote steady tearflow]. Nothing. I was too embarrassed to even cry alone. What does that tell you? I have WAY WAY WAY too much pride, thats what. But for what? Pride for what? What can I possibly be too proud of to cry by myself?

Wednesday morning:

I'm not going to finish what I was writing last night. I don't know exactly where I was going with it or what I was trying to do. But I'm going to leave it.

Something that was really awesome though, I do want to write. When I was on the phone with Jeff last night we were getting no where. This was by no fault to him. I just started to go in circles and I kept getting this thought "Say goodbye, Jen. It's time to hang up the phone." And I kept ignoring it. I wanted to stay on the phone and keep going no where. It went on for several minutes until we just all of a sudden were disconnected. Usually I would think that he had hung up on me, except I knew right away he hadn't [and he confirmed that later.] I had full bars of service. I know it was some greater power. God or an angel or something noticed I was ignoring them and just hung up for me. Even though I ignored it at first He still helped me out. FABULOUS.

I know that I seem really emotionally unstable and dramatic right now. [trust me, sometimes I want to be so melodramatic! I want to yell "would you even care if I died anymore?!" at him. But I refrain. Thank God.]

Anyway, my point is that I'm not. I know people are not drawn to unhappy people. And I want to attract others--not sexually. I mean that I want to be someone that others want to be around. As psychotic as I may seem in writing, I promise you I'm not. I'm still generally happy-- just with little bursts of sadness that no one else sees.

10:53 A.M.

Whatever. I'm over this post. It's going nowhere. Later.

***Not in any way because of who she is or what I think of her. I do not think anything negative of her-- I just don't want to meet her. I do not know her. I do not think she is a bitch. I do not talk about her to be rude. I think she is probably very pretty/happy/awesome/sweet/intelligent. Okay so I think that about covers it that I hold nothing against this girl.