This is long and a little illogical;
I'm selfish because I broke up with him but still want to talk to him, hear him. I don't want him back but part of me wants him to still want me. Really I just want him to hurt a quarter as bad as I do-- or at least act like it. All selfish. Or jealous, perhaps. It is always said that "you always want what you can't have," and maybe that is it. Now that he is with someone else-- someone great & nice & pretty that probably won't hurt him near as much as I did. But how can he tell me that he might LOVE her when we haven't even been officially over for even a month?
I shouldn't have called him this morning. That was the beginning of this tough day. I hung up once, but called back because there was so much left unsaid. He was kind, of course.
How come the roles are reversed and I'm now the one that feels so broken and lost and pathetic and... well you get it. I must be getting what I deserve though.
When I think about them together doing all the things that we were doing a month ago for the last three years-- just hanging out, holding hands, driving around, talking, laughing-- I can't breathe for a couple seconds and my vision is suddenly flooded with tears.
And as hard as all this is for me and as much as I wish he still missed me, I'm happy that he is happy. Somehow, for some reason. I know he has felt similar to this before and I never want anyone to feel like this again on my expense.
I just didn't expect his happiness to come so quickly. Again with the selfishness. I took so long to do this because I didn't want to see him sad, right? And he isn't, which makes me question my real reasons.
At first it seems obvious that this is a rebound for him, but with the way he talked about her I'm more than unsure. I still know him well enough to know that he is really over me-- he won't be there waiting around. Again, it is coming to my attention that I was at fault a lot more often than I wanted to admit. I knew he would always be there, and I acted like it sometimes. Terrible bitch, I know. Maybe the fact that I always seemed to be looking for something better made me overlook something really awesome. Or maybe not. Not that it was always awesome; that was rare in the last 6+ months. But I am suddenly lifting the blame and realizing that I too could have worked a little harder. But then I think about how awful he could be to me too. Was that because of how I treated him? I go in circles.
He loved me more than I loved him to an extent, and we both knew that. Selfish, controlling. I can definitely be a terrible person. But you know what? I was young when I met him, & I'm still young. I won't make the same mistakes again.
At this point, I feel like I don't even want to get close to anyone again. Part of it could be because I don't see myself ever finding someone who loved me as much and as unconditionally as he did. Another part could be that I don't ever want to hurt someone again. But mostly, its because I don't ever want to feel like this again. Is it worth it? Yes and no I guess. Selfish. But this feeling-- if this is what its like every time then I just can't handle it. Maybe it is just first loves?
What confuses me is that despite all the hurt, I do not want to be with him again. I'm sure [almost sure] that this is for the best. It just proves my selfishness and immaturity. To want someone to hurt but not want to be with them doesn't make sense. But it is only a part of me.
I keep thinking about what I'm supposed to be learning from this. As much as I want God to send me a clear message saying,
"Jennifer, you were right all along to be fearful of letting people get close to you. You are right to be skeptical and it is okay for you to selfishly put yourself before others. It is perfectly fine for you to wallow in self-pity and cry like a little bitch. I ask that you continue to eny others and dwell on the past,"
I know I won't hear that. I already some things I should be learning right now. Part of it must be to understand that I need to understand to put others before myself. I need to treat everyone with respect and kindness and love. I can't use people, I can't abuse the feelings of those that care for me and vice-versa. I need to be grateful and accepting of people. I must love people as they were created and not try to change them. I'm not better or more entitled than anyone else.
At the same time, I realize that I have to respect myself. I'm deserving of happiness and closeness and love from others as well as Him.
Finally, this is must be a lesson in my own strength and journey to achieving inner peace. I often think about this drama on top of school and work and my family's divorce and the forclosures and moving and everything. I get so stressed and forget that everyone struggles. The popular paraphrase about God never giving you more than you can handle is just that-- a paraphrase. The actual verse is;
"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." -1 Corinthians 10:13
He never promised not to overwhelm me. In fact, God LOVES to overwhelm me. That way I have to be dependant on Him.
"How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings." - Psalm 36:7
I like this verse because it reminds me to life in His "hands." No matter how replaced I feel, I'm always loved. Not matter how down I feel about the loss of this relationship, my relationship with God is constantly growing. I can be weak and I'm imperfect and that is OK. I'm growing too. I have a long way to go, but I'll make it.
Everything is easier said than done. A hundred billion people before me have had it rougher than I do. I understand that. So far 2009 has been full of big changes, with more straight ahead. Hopefully out of eveything negative that is happening, positive changes will occur as well.
Finally, I know I don't open up very easily even with those close to me. I don't like vulnerability. So thank you to a few friends that have been really understanding and loving.
Oh yah, thanks God.
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