Apparently, I'm an expendable friend;

Over the last year [or maybe even longer!] I have become painfully aware at how unreliable and flaky the majority of my friends are. If you're reading this and think I'm talking about you, chill out, because I'm not talking about everyone...

But I am talking about a lot of you;

Part of it is probably my own fault--when I was dating Jeff I spent the majority of my junior/ senior years of highschool and up until I moved to San Diego solely with him. By the time I moved back in August, I had lost touch with about half the people I knew! The friends I do have, I love, but DAMN I hate the flakiness. Whether its excuses or backing out of things last minute or straight up ditching someone for somebody else... I don't do it to people, so what justifies them doing it to me? I hate that you get so comfortable with someone that you think "its whatever" when you ditch them. IT'S NOT. It's called respect, and we all seem to forget to respect those we are most comfortable/closest to.  No matter how "LYKEOMFGAMAZING" some new guy/girl is doesn't make it cool to ditch your friends for them. No matter how "BOMB" somethings else sounds doesn't make it alright to ditch someone you already had plans with. Invite them? I invite you everywhere with me and introduce you to everyone I hang out with, but no more! I'm not just gonna be around to hang out when its convenient for you... sorry bitch!

Anyway, sorry for the little rant but I am officially going into a [late] hibernation and ignoring everyone who so rudely thinks of me as an "expendable friend."

A brief update;

I haven't blogged in a while... I've REALLY been slacking. Not due to lack of inspiration; I'm constantly experiencing blog-worthy occasions. I will sometimes even just start blogging in my head. But of course I never actually blog it HERE. 

Part of the reason is that I have actually been, like, SUPER-busy. School is going well, & I'm only going part-time. Being that I want to be accepted to UW's dental school, my foreseeable future includes a lot of calculus, biology, and chemistry. Yay...

Besides work and college, I'm also training to be a dental assistant from a dentist in Bothell right now. I LOVE IT and absolutely cannot WAIT to find a new job as an RDA in May. 

About a week ago I was invited by a friend to a church I have never been to before. It's called Mars Hill, in Ballard. There were TONS of people [1000+ I swear!], but I enjoyed it. The message of that night was more directed at the men, but I still walked away thinking about the sermon. It was a pretty cool place, check it outhere!!!

There is more good news too! I'm pretty sure we have found a place to live, my mom and I. It is a 4-bedroom town-home in the Kirkland-Woodinville area. We both love it and are going forward with background checks, etc. Originally my brother was going to possibly live at home as well, but received almost enough financial aid to cover all the costs of UW including room and board. He is responsible for $36.00. Thats right.  THIRTY-SIX DOLLARS. That means he is receiving basically $15,000.00 in financial aid next year. How amazing is that?! It is such a blessing, really, being that our family is just extremely low on funds right now =[  

Back to the new place though, we are really hoping the owners will choose us to rent to. It just seems like the perfect place, the one we have been praying and hoping for.  

Overall I'm really happy, which is such a change from a couple months ago. Only a couple things have been getting me down lately, the first being money. I AM SO BROKE. I make such little money because I can only work part time right now, but I just try to remember that come May I will a dental assistant and making MUCH more. Not so far away...

The other thing is, well, I still really miss Jeff.  Not all the time, not every day. I think about him often, yes, but only sometimes I get sad about it. I'm hoping he is happy, I'm sure he is. It hurts so much to be cut out of his life completely, but I just trust that God is guiding me. The only time I have called him since his girlfriend texted me not to was about a collection bill from Ellensburg I received a while back. It was due to him not paying a bill, on accident I'm sure, but I left him a voicemail asking him to call me back about it. He never did. Luckily the bill was small and I was able to send a check in, but it still bothered me that he didn't call back. He ALWAYS called back. The Jeff I knew wouldn't leave a bill to be payed by me. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice, & his laugh...... but I don't call. I don't want to disrupt his life. But God, do I miss him. 

JSKHGLKHA

I have been in this agitated, bored, irritable mindset since I woke up Monday morning. I can't shake it as easily as usual. I'm letting something get to me... but what?!

I am generally positive, and when I think something negative I usually catch myself and quickly reverse my mindset. But something about these last couple days--everything is driving me insane.

The baby is annoying as FUCK. I feel like it is probably some kind of heinous sin to use something as pure as "baby" and derogatory as "fuck" in the same sentence. Regardless, this baby I watch is sick CONSTANTLY. He won't sleep, eat, or play; so all he does is shit, cry, and drool all over my clothing. 

I'm hideous. Seriously, the last two days I have looked like hell.

Packing is slowly killing me. I just want to tear apart all the boxes and kick my shit all over the room.

I am snapping at my family & I want to strangle my brother for being such an 18 year old douche-bag. 

I'm irritated at all my flakey friends and I want to call them out on things that I usually just let go of. 

The worst part is that I've noticed that all of my emotions have been based on anger. Which, if I want to take that even further, is essentially fear. But I cannot figure out WHAT I am so fearful of/angry toward that I am letting it effect me so greatly. 

I'm healthy [despite being stuck with a sick baby]

I have everything I need [but could always use more moo-la...]

I am succeeding at school and at dental training

I have a job [that alone is something to be VERY grateful for]

I'm finally almost fully recovered from my recent dabble in heartbreak

...that leaves me with.... fear in general. I must just be letting the fear of the unknown and the desire to control my "now" and my future get to me.  I'm not just gonna stand by and say "Well I'm just having one of those weeks--the kind where everything is shitty and hopeless."

I'm going to fix it. I am letting go of my desire to control and my fear of the unknown RIGHT THIS INSTANT. 

One thing that will make me feel better, it's TUESDAY!

Tuesday means HugNation @ 1! What is HugNation, you ask? It is a live global Hug, bringing people together!

You think that sounds crazy? Well check it out for yourself;

[[HUG]].

Who am I kidding?

"And we know it's never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

And I can't breath 

Without you, but I have to

Breath

Without you, but I have to

Breath

Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

... We all know I want you back.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

This is a two-part blog... if you want you can skip to the bottom half. 

Dear ____,

You are worrying me. You are changing and moving so fast. Some things you are doing are shady and dishonest and dangerous. Yes, I know something you don't think I know. What else are you hiding? How could you do that to one of your closest friends? If she knew she would be really hurt. I'm not going to tell her, or anyone; it's not my business and I shouldn't have found out. I'm sure you probably feel bad enough in your own head. I know you are still hurting but you don't need to look for love the way you are-- you have many friends that love you. I don't want to watch you continue to get hurt. I don't want to watch you throw yourself at people. I want you to start being safe so that you aren't stuck with the repercussions of your current actions for the rest of your life. If you read this you will know it is about you and I'm sorry if it hurts you or makes you angry. I'm conflicted because I don't know whether to confront you for your own good or let you live your own life. You're an adult, and I'm not your mommy. But I do care about you and I feel like we are growing apart a little bit. If you can't trust me with this stuff, who can you? Why are you embarrassed of what I will think? It hurts me to think that at some point I made you feel like you couldn't come to me. I'm sorry. 

Be careful and remember that those boys don't love you-- but I do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let'​s take a walk on the beach​.​
You can say "I love you"​,​ and I can unzip​ my pants​.​
We'​ll hide our insec​uriti​es with passi​on on our lips.​
And purpo​se in our hips,​
Tryin​g for just one secon​d to forge​t the lying​.​
Forge​t the inevi​table​ risin​g of the sun.
And the end of a summe​r.​
Run, run littl​e girl.​ This is no place​ for you.
You belon​g on the livin​g room floor​.​
Where​ life is nothi​ng more than Barbi​e dolls​
And make belie​ve.​
This is real.​ 
This could​ break​ you down and tear you up.
We are playi​ng for keeps​,​ darli​ng.​
And you have way too much to lose.​"

It shouldn't be like this ^

We do have to much to loose; ourselves. 

You don't find love laying down.

You don't belong on the living room floor... or any floor.

You are worthy and completely deserving of respect.

WE ARE NOT OBJECTS, so lets treat ourselves with respect!

This may come across hypocritical to those who know me at first, but I am not asking people to be celibate. Just deliberate-- be safe in your actions and respectful in your intentions [to yourself and others!] 

I feel that self respect is completely necessary in order to be happy, healthy, and respected by others. How can we respect ourselves when we are not being careful or kind to our bodies? We all make mistakes, but lets learn from them. Sex is a big deal, and people so often forget that. I'm not talking about God right now. I'm talking about the possibility of heartbreak, STDs, babies, regrets, emotional risks... 

Once you sleep with someone you are connected to them for the rest of your life [along with everyone they've slept with]. Get to know them, respect them, make sure they respect you, and be safe. If you don't know them, be even safer. In this case, what you don't know can hurt you. It makes me sad to see the people around me treating themselves like they are undeserving of respect. I'm not saying sex should ONLY be with someone you love [although it is so much better that way]. But, I am saying that there should at least be a mutual respect between the two people involved. 

Check out:

Planned Parenthood; not just for the prevention of unintentional offspring! 

thinkMTV; find a testing center!

Or, check out thinkMTV's handy-dandy guide; everything from safety to respect.

And in honor of February 14-21 being National Condom Week, check out Proper Attire Condoms.

Who needs candy hearts anyway?

My vote for the worst American holiday EVER goes to Valentine's Day. 

For those of you that don't know, Valentine's Day is basically the celebration of a bloody organ... literally. 

Saint Valentine, an early Christian martyr, was extremely heartbroken after being rejected by his mistress.  He decided it would be fabulous if he took a knife to his chest and sent her his still-beating HEART. This was supposed to represent his undying love for her. 

Hence, heart-shaped cards and such are still sent to represent his overwhelming passion and SUFFERING. 

OK, AWESOME. Granted, that is only one of two theories about the holiday. [But I like it better.]

Whether or not we are actually symbolizing Saint Valentine's boxed, bloody, beating heart-- we still send enough cards for the U.S. Greeting Card Association to name Valentine's Day one of the largest card-sending holidays of the year [second only to CHRISTMAS!?].  

The U.S. greeting card estimates that about one BILLION valentines are sent worldwide each year. They also estimate that WOMEN send 85% of those valentines.  That is an obvious percentage though, isn't it? I mean, women are WAY more into Valentine's Day than men, aren't they?

The flower and jewelry industries also make INSANE profits from this holiday. And not to mention the electronic internet greeting card industry!

Okay so maybe just a little part of my dislike for Valentine's Day stems from bitterness. =/

But that bitterness does not stem from my recent breakup. No, no, no. My Valentine's Day bitterness stems from the fact that I haven't had a good one since elementary school. You know, back when your mom bought you a cardboard box-full of Valentine's Day cards with your favorite character on them. You signed your name and passed them out to everyone in your class--even your teacher. Maybe you even decorated a shoe box with a hole in the top with lacey paper and stickers for kids to put yours in. I know the last time my class did that was 4th or 5th grade. 

I remember middle school Valentine's Days as awkward-- kind of like "well I'm not passing cards out to the class anymore so who do I want to give them to?" 

In 7th grade I was given a Valentine crafted from Crayola markers and construction paper from one of the students I T.A'd for in the special education class. How sweet, right? NO! He also asked to see my boobs [like I had anything other than a rib cage at that time!]. He was also suspended. 

The next year, I had this pathetic excuse of a "boyfriend" who was a little bit older than me.  His idea of a Valentine was a blow-job request. AWESOME.

Early in High School, Valentine's Day was not a big deal one way or the other to me, but for the last few years I have had a boyfriend. I cannot recall one of those three Valentine's Day that was special. Each year it was like any other day. I think I may have been taken to dinner, but not anything really special. I was never even given a single CARD. I know I was preaching earlier about how consumers enable card companies to make massive amounts of money each February, okay. Gifts are totally NOT big deals to me like they are to some girls. But a card? They cost less than $3-- or even make one like my special ed. admirer did! It just shows that you are putting a LITTLE more thought into someone than you usually do.

My outlook for February 14th, 2009 is that I will spend it snuggling with my dog with Faith Hill's "Like We Never Loved at All" on repeat, eating whatever candy my MOM gives me. HAHA. I actually think I've made plans with a few people to go dancing in Seattle, but that is what I would be doing if I were alone. And you know what, I bet it would kick every Valentine's Day I spent with anyone else's ASS!

Perhaps I will one day have an extraordinary Valentine's Day that will reverse my current bitter opinion, but until then...

Hope you have a fabulous 14th filled with overwhelming passion and suffering!!

Katy Perry

So kids, here is that video I mentioned. This was my first time using iMovie and I think that I did a pretty alright job:

Yesterday

Besides wearing someone's breast milk, yesterday was a good day.

Morning at work:

Evan.


He's happy to see me =]





While Evan was holding his bottle in my lap today, he had this wonderful idea to pull the nipple off the bottle. Well, when he did, someone else's [his moms, of course] luke-warm breast milk sprayed all over the front of my shirt. Needless to say, it was fantastic.

Afternoon at the dog park with Danielle:






I went out to dinner with Tom, & here is my fortune;



AMAZING... my fortune cookie knew I needed one. Will someone please take a vacation with me?


And finally, I hung out/acted dumb with Pipe!







Stay tuned for a video showing the effects of combining Katy Perry, wine, and a computer!

Enough!

Tuesday evening:

Don't read this post. Really. It is going to be dumb, full of self-wallowing, and slightly depressing.

OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY.

I'm so ready to move on and be done with all of this and be over everything. Ok God, did You hear me?! "I'M READY TO MOVE ON."

................. oh that's not how it works?

I'm so tired of this. It is like a ridiculous cycle that is sucking me down and I can't seem to pull myself up and out. I'm ready to be happy again and done will the wallowing and move on. So if I'M ready, why isn't it working that way? I'm serious I'm the only one that is responsible for my feelings so why cannot I absolutely not push past all of this? It is really confusing. I'm confusing. LIFE is confusing. I cannot understand or validate how sad I am. I have tried and tried. I am happy and just doing okay and then we talked. Of course it wasn't about anything spectacular; it was about meeting up to "shit swap," as it was said by him. Okay fine, we'll meet up make it quick and get it out of them way. We have it all planned out; I'm going to go straight from work. It's going to be hard and I have been thinking about it all day but I'm going to do it and it will be fine. Then he drops the "we."

"We will be there at two."

We? AHEM? WE?! Okay. Calm down. Who is we? But I know. He intends to bring his girlfriend.

This made me VERY upset. Upset to the point that I called him and made a semi-big deal [bigger than I should have, ok] about it. But I can't be the only one that sees the problem with this. Is it not completely disrespectful to me? It is. It would be uncomfortable and irritating and sad and I want him to come alone just like me.***

Enough about that though, it's just getting me upset.

Really, I have decided that I am just going to write whatever comes out in this post. That is why I put the disclaimer at the beginning--its going to most likely be a really lame blog. Sorry.

If you do read this, you are going to realize just how pathetic I am right now. But I figure, very few people will read this. I will be writing honestly and I will feel like I just got a lot out, but hardly anyone will have actually read it. This will be so much easier than ACTUALLY talking to real people about it. So here it goes:

Today I cried a lot on the phone. It was embarrassing, really. But I can never just cry hard alone. I though that maybe if I just let myself cry like a little baby that it would all get out at once and I would feel better. So I took a shower. I turned the water all the way up so it would hurt a little [and perhaps promote steady tearflow]. Nothing. I was too embarrassed to even cry alone. What does that tell you? I have WAY WAY WAY too much pride, thats what. But for what? Pride for what? What can I possibly be too proud of to cry by myself?

Wednesday morning:

I'm not going to finish what I was writing last night. I don't know exactly where I was going with it or what I was trying to do. But I'm going to leave it.

Something that was really awesome though, I do want to write. When I was on the phone with Jeff last night we were getting no where. This was by no fault to him. I just started to go in circles and I kept getting this thought "Say goodbye, Jen. It's time to hang up the phone." And I kept ignoring it. I wanted to stay on the phone and keep going no where. It went on for several minutes until we just all of a sudden were disconnected. Usually I would think that he had hung up on me, except I knew right away he hadn't [and he confirmed that later.] I had full bars of service. I know it was some greater power. God or an angel or something noticed I was ignoring them and just hung up for me. Even though I ignored it at first He still helped me out. FABULOUS.

I know that I seem really emotionally unstable and dramatic right now. [trust me, sometimes I want to be so melodramatic! I want to yell "would you even care if I died anymore?!" at him. But I refrain. Thank God.]

Anyway, my point is that I'm not. I know people are not drawn to unhappy people. And I want to attract others--not sexually. I mean that I want to be someone that others want to be around. As psychotic as I may seem in writing, I promise you I'm not. I'm still generally happy-- just with little bursts of sadness that no one else sees.

10:53 A.M.

Whatever. I'm over this post. It's going nowhere. Later.

***Not in any way because of who she is or what I think of her. I do not think anything negative of her-- I just don't want to meet her. I do not know her. I do not think she is a bitch. I do not talk about her to be rude. I think she is probably very pretty/happy/awesome/sweet/intelligent. Okay so I think that about covers it that I hold nothing against this girl.

The "Belief-O-Matic"

Belief-O-Matic

This is a pretty awesome little personality survey I found that basically tells you what your beliefs mean. You answer 20 questions about your opinions pertaining to religion and it gives you the "religions"/belief systems that most closely match your beliefs. Take it seriously-- or not! Just do it you may be surprised!

I was interested to see my results; I matched most closely with Unitarian Universalists and Sikhism... Taoism and Reformed Judaism were also on my results list. Hmmm.

Wishbones vs. Backbones; who wins?

Fill in the blank names with whoever applies to you;

"But I really Loved him."

"Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don't you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But the love you felt, that's just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That's just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck--you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It's your destiny. Don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing." I was actually crying. "And please don't laugh at me now, but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed ____ was my soul mate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they'll tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they can leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. ____'s purpose was to shake you up, ...tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you HAD to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over. Problem is, you can't accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. You're like a dog at the dump, baby--you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it. "

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him. Send him love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're afraid to let go of the last bits of ____ because then you'll really be alone, and [you're] scared to death of what will really happen if [you're] alone. But here's what you gotta understand. If you clear out that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess..., you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot--a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in--God will rush in-- and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. Stop using ____ to block that door... Let it go. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

Instructions For Freedom.

This is an excerpt from one of my favorite books, "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. These instructions were given to her in a note.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM

1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.

2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3. The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars come out--on the outside and on the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF, and let him go.

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of the day pass into the cool night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains. It's safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy.

I don't completely understand this, even in terms of the book. However, I think #6 applies. 

Shut up & love yourself.

Since I am gradually transferring some of my posts from several older blogs into this single new one, here is one that is fairly recent from Myspace.com;

I complain way more than I have a right to. Most of us do. Nothing is ever good enough or appreciated. We may be grateful for some things, but I feel like it is so rare. Maybe you appreciate favors & items of great material value--and even other people--but do you ever stop and appreciate yourself? I was just thinking about how even though we may be appreciative of "things" we are rarely content with ourselves. I know I'm guilty. There is always something about myself I don't like-- be it physical or personality-wise. I'm pretty sure that is how most of us are, always thinking about changing. We constantly think about what we DON'T like about ourselves, rather than be appreciative of how awesome we are. I know we do this to others too, but I feel that the first step in appreciating others is learning to appreciate ourselves. 

When I woke up this morning and got ready for work, I probably looked in the mirror and listed 50 negative things about myself, subconsciously of course. I don't even think about it. In my head it is, "oh my hair looks hideous, my skin isn't flawless today, I'm too introverted/ I'm too extroverted, my eyes are puffy, my arm looks fat, my freckles are hideous, my voice is too deep, I get stressed out too easily..." blah blah blah. I understand people being critical of themselves when it is in moderation or valid. If someone is 300 pounds and they are not content with themselves, ok valid. It would be in their health's best interest to make some changes. But to constantly overlook how much you have to be grateful for about yourself isn't. 

I could be dying of breast cancer, but I'm not. Okay maybe that isn't a great example because that is unfortunately too common. What I mean is... I could have cataplexy that causes me to collapse from muscle weakness every time I experienced an intense emotion, like laughter. I don't. I'm not the man being featured on TLC as "The Half Ton Man." I don't have Hypertrichosis Syndrome, which would make me look like a hairy-human-werwolf. [Ok maybe I have been watching a LITTLE too much TLC.] I have all my wits, as well as my limbs. I have no outstanding diseases. Whatever.

Maybe none of my brain-jumble makes sense to you, so here is it more simply [but certainly not eloquently]; no matter how bad you think you are, you probably aren't. It could always be so much worse. So, lets all just love ourselves a little bit more, even if its only for today.

[[Jen]]

Well I have to start somewhere; heartache & God's love.

This is long and a little illogical;

I've been really selfish. But, acknowledging that doesn't make anything hurt any less.
I'm selfish because I broke up with him but still want to talk to him, hear him. I don't want him back but part of me wants him to still want me. Really I just want him to hurt a quarter as bad as  I do-- or at least act like it.  All selfish. Or jealous, perhaps. It is always said that "you always want what you can't have," and maybe that is it.  Now that he is with someone else-- someone great & nice & pretty that probably won't hurt him near as much as I did.  But how can he tell me that he might LOVE her when we haven't even been officially over for even a month? 
I shouldn't have called him this morning. That was the beginning of this tough day. I hung up once, but called back because there was so much left unsaid. He was kind, of course. 
How come the roles are reversed and I'm now the one that feels so broken and lost and pathetic and... well you get it. I must be getting what I deserve though.

When I think about them together doing all the things that we were doing a month ago for the last three years-- just hanging out, holding hands, driving around, talking, laughing-- I can't breathe for a couple seconds and my vision is suddenly flooded with tears. 
And as hard as all this is for me and as much as I wish he still missed me, I'm happy that he is happy. Somehow, for some reason. I know he has felt similar to this before and I never want anyone to feel like this again on my expense. 
I just didn't expect his happiness to come so quickly. Again with the selfishness. I took so long to do this because I didn't want to see him sad, right? And he isn't, which makes me question my real reasons. 

At first it seems obvious that this is a rebound for him, but with the way he talked about her I'm more than unsure. I still know him well enough to know that he is really over me-- he won't be there waiting around. Again, it is coming to my attention that I was at fault a lot more often than I wanted to admit. I knew he  would always be there, and I acted like it sometimes. Terrible bitch, I know. Maybe the fact that I always seemed to be looking for something better made me overlook something really awesome. Or maybe not. Not that it was always awesome; that was rare in the last 6+ months. But I am suddenly lifting the blame and realizing that I too could have worked a little harder. But then I think about how awful he could be to me too. Was that because of how I treated him? I go in circles. 

He loved me more than I loved him to an extent, and we both knew that. Selfish, controlling. I can definitely be a terrible person. But you know what? I was young when I met him, & I'm still young. I won't make the same mistakes again. 

At this point, I feel like I don't even want to get close to anyone again. Part of it could be because I don't see myself ever finding someone who loved me as much and as unconditionally as he did. Another part could be that I don't ever want to hurt someone again. But mostly, its because I don't ever want to feel like this again. Is it worth it? Yes and no I guess. Selfish. But this feeling-- if this is what its like every time then I just can't handle it. Maybe it is just first loves?

What confuses me is that despite all the hurt, I do not want to be with him again. I'm sure [almost sure] that this is for the best. It just proves my selfishness and immaturity. To want someone to hurt but not want  to be with them doesn't make sense. But it is only a part of me.

I keep thinking about what I'm supposed to be learning from this. As much as I want God to send me a clear message saying, 

"Jennifer, you were right all along to be fearful of letting people get close to you. You are right to be skeptical and it is okay for you to selfishly put yourself before others. It is perfectly fine for you to wallow in self-pity and cry like a little bitch. I ask that you continue to eny others and dwell on the past,"

I know I won't hear that. I already some things I should be learning right now. Part of it must be to understand that I need to understand to put others before myself. I need to treat everyone with respect and kindness and love. I can't use people, I can't abuse the feelings of those that care for me and vice-versa. I need to be grateful and accepting of people. I must love people as they were created and not try to change them. I'm not better or more entitled than anyone else. 

At the same time, I realize that I have to respect  myself. I'm deserving of happiness and closeness and love from others as well as Him. 
Finally, this is must be a lesson in my own strength and journey to achieving inner peace. I often think about this drama on top of school and work and my family's divorce and the forclosures and moving and everything. I get so stressed and forget that everyone struggles. The popular paraphrase about God never giving you more than you can handle is just that-- a paraphrase. The actual verse is;

"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it." -1 Corinthians 10:13 

He never promised not to overwhelm me. In fact, God LOVES to overwhelm me. That way I have to be dependant on Him. 

"How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings." - Psalm 36:7

I like this verse because it reminds me to life in His "hands." No matter how replaced I feel, I'm always loved. Not matter how down I feel about the loss of this relationship, my relationship with God is constantly growing. I can be weak and I'm imperfect and that is OK. I'm growing too. I have a long way to go, but I'll make it. 

Everything is easier said than done. A hundred billion people before me have had it rougher than I do. I understand that. So far 2009 has been full of big changes, with more straight ahead. Hopefully out of eveything negative that is happening, positive changes will occur as well. 
 
Finally, I know I don't open up very easily even with those close to me. I don't like vulnerability. So thank you to a few friends that have been really understanding and loving. 
Oh yah, thanks God.