Apparently, I'm an expendable friend;

Over the last year [or maybe even longer!] I have become painfully aware at how unreliable and flaky the majority of my friends are. If you're reading this and think I'm talking about you, chill out, because I'm not talking about everyone...

But I am talking about a lot of you;

Part of it is probably my own fault--when I was dating Jeff I spent the majority of my junior/ senior years of highschool and up until I moved to San Diego solely with him. By the time I moved back in August, I had lost touch with about half the people I knew! The friends I do have, I love, but DAMN I hate the flakiness. Whether its excuses or backing out of things last minute or straight up ditching someone for somebody else... I don't do it to people, so what justifies them doing it to me? I hate that you get so comfortable with someone that you think "its whatever" when you ditch them. IT'S NOT. It's called respect, and we all seem to forget to respect those we are most comfortable/closest to.  No matter how "LYKEOMFGAMAZING" some new guy/girl is doesn't make it cool to ditch your friends for them. No matter how "BOMB" somethings else sounds doesn't make it alright to ditch someone you already had plans with. Invite them? I invite you everywhere with me and introduce you to everyone I hang out with, but no more! I'm not just gonna be around to hang out when its convenient for you... sorry bitch!

Anyway, sorry for the little rant but I am officially going into a [late] hibernation and ignoring everyone who so rudely thinks of me as an "expendable friend."

A brief update;

I haven't blogged in a while... I've REALLY been slacking. Not due to lack of inspiration; I'm constantly experiencing blog-worthy occasions. I will sometimes even just start blogging in my head. But of course I never actually blog it HERE. 

Part of the reason is that I have actually been, like, SUPER-busy. School is going well, & I'm only going part-time. Being that I want to be accepted to UW's dental school, my foreseeable future includes a lot of calculus, biology, and chemistry. Yay...

Besides work and college, I'm also training to be a dental assistant from a dentist in Bothell right now. I LOVE IT and absolutely cannot WAIT to find a new job as an RDA in May. 

About a week ago I was invited by a friend to a church I have never been to before. It's called Mars Hill, in Ballard. There were TONS of people [1000+ I swear!], but I enjoyed it. The message of that night was more directed at the men, but I still walked away thinking about the sermon. It was a pretty cool place, check it outhere!!!

There is more good news too! I'm pretty sure we have found a place to live, my mom and I. It is a 4-bedroom town-home in the Kirkland-Woodinville area. We both love it and are going forward with background checks, etc. Originally my brother was going to possibly live at home as well, but received almost enough financial aid to cover all the costs of UW including room and board. He is responsible for $36.00. Thats right.  THIRTY-SIX DOLLARS. That means he is receiving basically $15,000.00 in financial aid next year. How amazing is that?! It is such a blessing, really, being that our family is just extremely low on funds right now =[  

Back to the new place though, we are really hoping the owners will choose us to rent to. It just seems like the perfect place, the one we have been praying and hoping for.  

Overall I'm really happy, which is such a change from a couple months ago. Only a couple things have been getting me down lately, the first being money. I AM SO BROKE. I make such little money because I can only work part time right now, but I just try to remember that come May I will a dental assistant and making MUCH more. Not so far away...

The other thing is, well, I still really miss Jeff.  Not all the time, not every day. I think about him often, yes, but only sometimes I get sad about it. I'm hoping he is happy, I'm sure he is. It hurts so much to be cut out of his life completely, but I just trust that God is guiding me. The only time I have called him since his girlfriend texted me not to was about a collection bill from Ellensburg I received a while back. It was due to him not paying a bill, on accident I'm sure, but I left him a voicemail asking him to call me back about it. He never did. Luckily the bill was small and I was able to send a check in, but it still bothered me that he didn't call back. He ALWAYS called back. The Jeff I knew wouldn't leave a bill to be payed by me. Sometimes I just want to hear his voice, & his laugh...... but I don't call. I don't want to disrupt his life. But God, do I miss him. 

JSKHGLKHA

I have been in this agitated, bored, irritable mindset since I woke up Monday morning. I can't shake it as easily as usual. I'm letting something get to me... but what?!

I am generally positive, and when I think something negative I usually catch myself and quickly reverse my mindset. But something about these last couple days--everything is driving me insane.

The baby is annoying as FUCK. I feel like it is probably some kind of heinous sin to use something as pure as "baby" and derogatory as "fuck" in the same sentence. Regardless, this baby I watch is sick CONSTANTLY. He won't sleep, eat, or play; so all he does is shit, cry, and drool all over my clothing. 

I'm hideous. Seriously, the last two days I have looked like hell.

Packing is slowly killing me. I just want to tear apart all the boxes and kick my shit all over the room.

I am snapping at my family & I want to strangle my brother for being such an 18 year old douche-bag. 

I'm irritated at all my flakey friends and I want to call them out on things that I usually just let go of. 

The worst part is that I've noticed that all of my emotions have been based on anger. Which, if I want to take that even further, is essentially fear. But I cannot figure out WHAT I am so fearful of/angry toward that I am letting it effect me so greatly. 

I'm healthy [despite being stuck with a sick baby]

I have everything I need [but could always use more moo-la...]

I am succeeding at school and at dental training

I have a job [that alone is something to be VERY grateful for]

I'm finally almost fully recovered from my recent dabble in heartbreak

...that leaves me with.... fear in general. I must just be letting the fear of the unknown and the desire to control my "now" and my future get to me.  I'm not just gonna stand by and say "Well I'm just having one of those weeks--the kind where everything is shitty and hopeless."

I'm going to fix it. I am letting go of my desire to control and my fear of the unknown RIGHT THIS INSTANT. 

One thing that will make me feel better, it's TUESDAY!

Tuesday means HugNation @ 1! What is HugNation, you ask? It is a live global Hug, bringing people together!

You think that sounds crazy? Well check it out for yourself;

[[HUG]].

Who am I kidding?

"And we know it's never simple, never easy

Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

And I can't breath 

Without you, but I have to

Breath

Without you, but I have to

Breath

Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

... We all know I want you back.

Looking for love in all the wrong places.

This is a two-part blog... if you want you can skip to the bottom half. 

Dear ____,

You are worrying me. You are changing and moving so fast. Some things you are doing are shady and dishonest and dangerous. Yes, I know something you don't think I know. What else are you hiding? How could you do that to one of your closest friends? If she knew she would be really hurt. I'm not going to tell her, or anyone; it's not my business and I shouldn't have found out. I'm sure you probably feel bad enough in your own head. I know you are still hurting but you don't need to look for love the way you are-- you have many friends that love you. I don't want to watch you continue to get hurt. I don't want to watch you throw yourself at people. I want you to start being safe so that you aren't stuck with the repercussions of your current actions for the rest of your life. If you read this you will know it is about you and I'm sorry if it hurts you or makes you angry. I'm conflicted because I don't know whether to confront you for your own good or let you live your own life. You're an adult, and I'm not your mommy. But I do care about you and I feel like we are growing apart a little bit. If you can't trust me with this stuff, who can you? Why are you embarrassed of what I will think? It hurts me to think that at some point I made you feel like you couldn't come to me. I'm sorry. 

Be careful and remember that those boys don't love you-- but I do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Let'​s take a walk on the beach​.​
You can say "I love you"​,​ and I can unzip​ my pants​.​
We'​ll hide our insec​uriti​es with passi​on on our lips.​
And purpo​se in our hips,​
Tryin​g for just one secon​d to forge​t the lying​.​
Forge​t the inevi​table​ risin​g of the sun.
And the end of a summe​r.​
Run, run littl​e girl.​ This is no place​ for you.
You belon​g on the livin​g room floor​.​
Where​ life is nothi​ng more than Barbi​e dolls​
And make belie​ve.​
This is real.​ 
This could​ break​ you down and tear you up.
We are playi​ng for keeps​,​ darli​ng.​
And you have way too much to lose.​"

It shouldn't be like this ^

We do have to much to loose; ourselves. 

You don't find love laying down.

You don't belong on the living room floor... or any floor.

You are worthy and completely deserving of respect.

WE ARE NOT OBJECTS, so lets treat ourselves with respect!

This may come across hypocritical to those who know me at first, but I am not asking people to be celibate. Just deliberate-- be safe in your actions and respectful in your intentions [to yourself and others!] 

I feel that self respect is completely necessary in order to be happy, healthy, and respected by others. How can we respect ourselves when we are not being careful or kind to our bodies? We all make mistakes, but lets learn from them. Sex is a big deal, and people so often forget that. I'm not talking about God right now. I'm talking about the possibility of heartbreak, STDs, babies, regrets, emotional risks... 

Once you sleep with someone you are connected to them for the rest of your life [along with everyone they've slept with]. Get to know them, respect them, make sure they respect you, and be safe. If you don't know them, be even safer. In this case, what you don't know can hurt you. It makes me sad to see the people around me treating themselves like they are undeserving of respect. I'm not saying sex should ONLY be with someone you love [although it is so much better that way]. But, I am saying that there should at least be a mutual respect between the two people involved. 

Check out:

Planned Parenthood; not just for the prevention of unintentional offspring! 

thinkMTV; find a testing center!

Or, check out thinkMTV's handy-dandy guide; everything from safety to respect.

And in honor of February 14-21 being National Condom Week, check out Proper Attire Condoms.

Who needs candy hearts anyway?

My vote for the worst American holiday EVER goes to Valentine's Day. 

For those of you that don't know, Valentine's Day is basically the celebration of a bloody organ... literally. 

Saint Valentine, an early Christian martyr, was extremely heartbroken after being rejected by his mistress.  He decided it would be fabulous if he took a knife to his chest and sent her his still-beating HEART. This was supposed to represent his undying love for her. 

Hence, heart-shaped cards and such are still sent to represent his overwhelming passion and SUFFERING. 

OK, AWESOME. Granted, that is only one of two theories about the holiday. [But I like it better.]

Whether or not we are actually symbolizing Saint Valentine's boxed, bloody, beating heart-- we still send enough cards for the U.S. Greeting Card Association to name Valentine's Day one of the largest card-sending holidays of the year [second only to CHRISTMAS!?].  

The U.S. greeting card estimates that about one BILLION valentines are sent worldwide each year. They also estimate that WOMEN send 85% of those valentines.  That is an obvious percentage though, isn't it? I mean, women are WAY more into Valentine's Day than men, aren't they?

The flower and jewelry industries also make INSANE profits from this holiday. And not to mention the electronic internet greeting card industry!

Okay so maybe just a little part of my dislike for Valentine's Day stems from bitterness. =/

But that bitterness does not stem from my recent breakup. No, no, no. My Valentine's Day bitterness stems from the fact that I haven't had a good one since elementary school. You know, back when your mom bought you a cardboard box-full of Valentine's Day cards with your favorite character on them. You signed your name and passed them out to everyone in your class--even your teacher. Maybe you even decorated a shoe box with a hole in the top with lacey paper and stickers for kids to put yours in. I know the last time my class did that was 4th or 5th grade. 

I remember middle school Valentine's Days as awkward-- kind of like "well I'm not passing cards out to the class anymore so who do I want to give them to?" 

In 7th grade I was given a Valentine crafted from Crayola markers and construction paper from one of the students I T.A'd for in the special education class. How sweet, right? NO! He also asked to see my boobs [like I had anything other than a rib cage at that time!]. He was also suspended. 

The next year, I had this pathetic excuse of a "boyfriend" who was a little bit older than me.  His idea of a Valentine was a blow-job request. AWESOME.

Early in High School, Valentine's Day was not a big deal one way or the other to me, but for the last few years I have had a boyfriend. I cannot recall one of those three Valentine's Day that was special. Each year it was like any other day. I think I may have been taken to dinner, but not anything really special. I was never even given a single CARD. I know I was preaching earlier about how consumers enable card companies to make massive amounts of money each February, okay. Gifts are totally NOT big deals to me like they are to some girls. But a card? They cost less than $3-- or even make one like my special ed. admirer did! It just shows that you are putting a LITTLE more thought into someone than you usually do.

My outlook for February 14th, 2009 is that I will spend it snuggling with my dog with Faith Hill's "Like We Never Loved at All" on repeat, eating whatever candy my MOM gives me. HAHA. I actually think I've made plans with a few people to go dancing in Seattle, but that is what I would be doing if I were alone. And you know what, I bet it would kick every Valentine's Day I spent with anyone else's ASS!

Perhaps I will one day have an extraordinary Valentine's Day that will reverse my current bitter opinion, but until then...

Hope you have a fabulous 14th filled with overwhelming passion and suffering!!

Katy Perry

So kids, here is that video I mentioned. This was my first time using iMovie and I think that I did a pretty alright job: